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Hi, hallo.., what’s up guys, I hope you’re all doing good. This is the next article form my previous black hole attack, or anxiety attack, or panic attack. click the link here.

After having the first attack, I was trying to find out what was wrong with me, was it anxiety? was it panic? because the more you understand what you’re having is the more you can figure out how to deal with it. correct me if I’m wrong. After googling for a while, comparing between anxiety attack and panic attack, there are shared several symptoms, such as increased heart rate, hard to breathe and feels like there is something resides inside your chest, like a bubble of air in a brake hose if you wanna put it, it’s just a bubble, but dangerous for your riding safeness. And I came to conclusion that, what I had is more like a panic attack, since it always comes so suddenly.

I read many articles about mental health on the internet, and mostly suggesting that the first step is to share it with someone else, talk about it, let it out, at least you’re not weighing the burden alone. It could be your friends, family, psychologist -if you have money to spend on-, your secret crush, even some stranger you meet on the street, just talk to someone else who listens and talks back to you, well, if they are not talking back or give positive feedback, it maybe pointless. Just like my case, when i had my panic attack, I wrote it here on this blog, it was count as, share it, right? but I got no response so I guess it doesn’t work that way.

Fortunately, my first real crush when I was in junior high, resurfaced out of no where, through our whatsapp group. So I D.M ed (or P.M ed?) her. Initially it was just a simple chit-chat, catching up some old memories together. And at some certain point she was noticing that I put some dark, gloomy sad picture on my whatsapp story and asked “hey, are you okay?”. And I don’t know how or why, I was “stripped naked”. I opened up my self to her, like wide open door. I’m an introvert, and you know what introvert guys do right? they tend to keep everything themselves. But I don’t know somehow, she, without even asking, was capable to extract something out of me. Well maybe because she was and still my long lasting crush I guess. Ehehehe.

We talked about my mental health for few weeks,. and she really supported me. I feel comfort and serenity, chatting with her.

Here goes the attack.

On one day, we were chatting like usual, and we had to call it a day, because she had to go back home on a bus, it’s not safe to texting in public transport, and I had lots of work to be done too, since my job was kinda neglected because of my texting with her, hehehe 😅. Before we said bye, I told her that I have a funny feelings in my chest, that my heart was pounding fast. I started to work on my computer, but out of no where, there is this thing suddenly filling up my chest, my left chest, it was like an object but it was definitely not, so full that made me can’t breathe, literally, I was breathing short and panting.

It wont get out.

I was restless and so uneasy while working, it had been two hours since it came, and still wont come out or disappear. You know it feels like if you’re having a pimple, and want to pop it. or a nausea, once you vomit it out, you’ll be relieved.? Just like it. I wanted to get it out so bad, but it just wont go away. I texted her, saying “I Can’t get it out, 😭😭😭” she replied “breathe slowly and easy, relaxed your mind, don’t worry too much”. I was imagining she said it slowly in a soft and tender voice, but still, I did what she said, but it was not working.

Embrace it.

The more i tried to suppressed, the more it wont go away. So, like the first black hole attack on the above link, i cried it out. If in the previous post, i cried it out while doing Sholat. This time, because i had so much work to be done, so i cried it out while working in front of my computer. Like literally crying while typing on my keyboard. Luckily my desk position’s is up front, so that my colleague only see my back. If only they could see, my eyes and cheek are flooded with tears, of course i had to cry it with no sound.

Later on, when we chat again, she asked me about my condition, and what caused it. I said “I think it’s because i don’t wanna loose you anymore, we’ve been separated for like 25 years or so. And now that i have you, i don’t wanna loose you again.”.

Heart-Warming assurance.

He replied that, she will always be there for me, no matter what. that promise was enough to get me through the day, but still like something is still linger. either i hadn’t completely cried it out because it was at the office, or something else.?

Nakama to the rescue.

While doing my ironing at home, I always play music on youtube. And then Memories, ending theme from one piece played. Only a Nakama feels this song. From the first intro, it gave me goosebumps, and then the gauge of my tears was slowly rising, as I was scrolling down and reading the comments, and remembering The Straw Hat’s adventure, and then the chorus part started to play, my tears were bursting, I was literally crying like Luffy, when Luffy cried for Ace’s death. So empty, so hollow, craving for friendship, desire someone to be there for you.

Luffy knows that his crying wont bring Ace back, but he just need to do it, crying it all out, unburden himself. After his crying subside, Luffy gets better than ever. So did I, after I cried it all out. I feel bettter, so much better.

My cure.

For my case, I think the cure for my panic attack is cry, it’s been proven three times, a good solid cry will wipe off the emptiness in your chest, at least for me. You should give it a try, you have nothing to loose anyway except your tears and pride, but crying got nothing to do with pride, on the contrary, crying makes you a normal human being.

Enjoy the reading…

Ara59